Funko Pop Nightmare
by Page Garcia
Funko Pop Nightmare was written by Page Garcia and read on 12/17/23.
The confession: The man I lost my virginity to was a funkopop adult 10 years my senior. By the time I found out it was too late :/
From the second I saw him in the Columbus Circle Trader Joe’s I knew he had me. Dashingly handsome, with a natural confidence that resembled a 1970’s Jack Nicholson. He was buying quinoa. I was buying hot cocoa bombs. He was on the checkout line behind me, and we exchanged small smirks while I was rung up. There was a moment where our eyes met, and I knew I had met my twin flame. As I went to exit, he ran up behind me and grabbed my arm.
“I know we’ve never met, but I feel like I’ve known you my entire life.”
“Who are you? I feel like you jumped out of my dreams.”
“My name’s Christian, Christian Anglo-Saxon, and you?”
“I’m Andrea Flint.”
“That’s such a beautiful name. Flint suits you, because, I feel a spark between us.”
“What?”
“Have you ever gone camping you retarded bitch? Like a flint, like a flint.”
No man had ever talked to me like that. It turned me on so much I thought I was soak through my Praying panties.
“No Christian, I haven’t gone camping. I’ve never even left The Upper West Side.”
“Oh, makes sense, and sorry for losing my cool, I’m self-diagnosed autistic and it makes me prone to outbursts.”
“I’m so sorry, I recently self-diagnosed myself with BPD. It’s brutal.”
“God, life is so difficult.”
“Christian, would you like to come back to my apartment?”
If I knew what he was, I would’ve sprinted to the nearest subway.
“Yes, Andrea. I would love to. More than anything.”
The second we stepped through the entryway, it was a mad dash to the bedroom. But I had to be honest with him first.
“Christian, I’m a virgin.”
“I literally don’t care, why would that matter at all.”
He transfixed me and made me feel things I’ve never felt. I didn’t know you’re supposed to get fisted when you lose your virginity but he told me that it was a New Jersey thing. I wanted to go to Newark so bad after.
When our fit of passion ended we lay on my bed laughing and giggling and we turned on HBO max, we were going back and forth on what to watch and he kept insisting on watching the new Batman movie. I’m not the biggest superhero movie fan but I like David Fincher’s other work so I let it happen. He spent the whole movie pausing and explaining the backstories of every character even the lowest tier members of Penguin’s henchman. 12 minutes about a character named Jimmy 2 necks. With the pauses and movie combined, it took over 6 hours until he was done with his insane ramblings. Popcorn would spill out onto his shirt, which I now realized had a Guardians of the Galaxy 2 cassette tape on it. This was when I should’ve said goodbye forever. He was 29, and I was 19 and somehow I felt more mature than him. He lived with his mom in Sheepshead Bay I came to find out. I asked him to go after the Batman debacle and he stared back at me with hearts in my eyes.
“Would you want to come back to mine to sleep over tomorrow night?”
I should’ve never said yes.
I arrived to his house the following night where I shocked to see it had tchotchkes strewn across the lawn. Garish, demented lambs. Twisted, gnarled garden gnomes. A back the blue flag was flying proudly. Thank god you can still be racist to Italians, and shit like that might be the reason. Like what the fuck are Long Island and Brooklyn lawn ornaments they’re so fucking stupid and bizarre. Getting off track.
I was greeted at the door by his aging, decrepit mother. She reeked of Newports and canned Rao’s Marinara.
“Oh my goodness, you must be the lucky lady Chrissy boy has been talking about! He can barely keep his eyes on his Nintendo device since yesterday. You know how boys are with their games.”
I politely nodded and asked which way to his room.
“It’s right over there. Chrissypoo your little friend is here!”
“MOM SHUT THE FUCK UP I’M GRINDING DRAGON QUEST I SHOUD’VE PUT YOU IN A FUCKING NURSING HOME WHEN DAD LEFT.”
I walked down what seemed like the biggest basement steps I’ve ever seen, the light was dim. The walls were peeling and covered in Imagine Dragons posters. Then I saw him. Hunched over his 4K 3 screen gaming setup. His gaming chair was electric and covered in LED’s and anime tits, all the girls looked 12 years old. He didn’t see me walk in. The walls were covered top to bottom with Funko pops, Nintendo power magazines and Avengers toys. I walked into an unholy matrimony of cum smell, red bull cans and Legend of Zelda brand gummy bears.
“C-Christian?”
“Mom I fucking told you to never come down here. I have a very lucky lady come over tonight for sex and making out and also maybe wine coolers.”
“It’s me. Why didn’t you tell me your obsession with…with…retarded dumbass capeshit?”
He got up from his throne of Inceldom and started towards me.
“You could never know. Never. They all leave when I tell them about Yu Yu Hakasho lost media. They ignore me when I tell them that Undertale was overrated. They laugh at me when I tell them about the lost room in Link’s Awakening. I thought you would be different.”
He had a Kirby ring in his hand and started to one knee, grinning that demented smile at me. I could’ve used a Joker simile but since that day I have never written the name of any popular superhero or villain or anime character or 80’s sci-fi movie again. He would love it.
“Be my waifu Tradcath bride, Andrea. Look I’m watching Attack on Titan right now. Do you like anime???”
“You ‘re a monster. You should be hung in the town square. Why don’t you be a man and Grow up.”
The second those last words escaped my lips, he started shrieking and convulsing. A Gamecube logo made of pure light energy started spinning faster and faster until it consumed the whole room with sound and luminance. He started falling apart like he was made of wax.
His dripping body inched closer and closer as he gurgled the words “ mommy please milky milky mommy ahhhhhhHHHHHHHHH.” Then, as soon as it started, it was over. The room had been converted into a basement storage and makeup room. The stairs were fully redone and a gold staircase replaced the dingy carpet. His mother stood at the top of the stairs looking beautiful. It’s as if she regressed 20 years. The house smelled of coffee and pine. His mother smiled at me and said
“You said those 2 words. Grow up right?”
“Y-yes, what happened?”
“The curse is broken. You see the second a woman other than a man’s mother says to grow up, It’s their first time taking it seriously.”
“Is he-dead?”
“Heavens no! You just switched timelines. He’s now studying to be a Personal Trainer at SUNY Buffalo. Every Italian mothers dream. You saved us.”
She hugged me and I smiled. To this day people don’t believe me when I tell them the story.
Girls with boyfriends that like bladee shrug their shoulders. Girls with boyfriends that like Pokemon Go scoff. Girls that have a dad with a Goonies and Stranger Things obsession don’t listen to a single word I say. But I know the truth.
Tell men to grow the fuck up. Thank you.
by Page Garcia, 12/17/23
